《虎媽戰(zhàn)歌》和我的讀后感

（教育心得篇）   《虎媽戰(zhàn)歌》和我的讀后感   好幾位老美同事跟我提起這個(gè)話題，他們感興趣的，是我作為一個(gè)在美華人，讀了耶魯大學(xué)法學(xué)院華裔教授蔡美兒(Amy Chua)的《虎媽戰(zhàn)歌》(“Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”)后，有什么感想。本來上班挺忙的，但為了不讓老美覺得老中們都是一幫只重學(xué)業(yè)不顧其他的”nerds”，我還是抽空用英文寫了以下的回答，“以正視聽”：   The Chinese “Tiger Mom” and my response   Thanks for sharing this article and your opinion. Parenting and education is such an interesting issue. I have also seen the excerpts translated in some Chinese websites. Similarly, the views (and practices) of the author raised quite some debates in those places as well.   A couple of my feedbacks will follow. First of all, bear in mind however, that I think each person should have their own practices and ideas about parenting, because each kid is unique as an individual. The parents may fail miserably if they try to follow others without consideration to their kid’s special circumstances.   My first reaction, just like one quoted in the WSJ, is that “I am in disbelief after reading this article.”   Any attempts to contract and compare the HUGE topic of Chinese and Western practices would be a daunting task. Any generalization would lose the finer details of individual approaches.   The author, while using the excuse of being “the Chinese mother”, finds validation for her strict rules and control tactics for her daughters from the vague and generalized concept of the “Chinese practice.” I, for one, do not feel this represent the true understanding of the Chinese (or Confucian) culture.   A very famous Confucius saying is “因才施教”,  (pinyin: Yin Cai Shi Jiao), that is, teaching or raising a kid according to his or her own strengths (or weaknesses). The author, a professor at Yale Law School, supposedly a successful and smart professional, and educator, seems to forget this basic Chinese educational tenet at home.   Not every child is necessarily good at all these sort of things (violin, piano, math, sciences, etc), not every kid needs to be playing violin or piano that well at that young an age. Yes, among our numerous friends, many of whom are Chinese, there are strict moms, but I don’t think I have come across one who is THAT strict as Amy Chua.   Her actions adhere to the stereotype of “the Chinese mom,” and her writing adds to that myth. How sad!   The author wrote: “For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think its a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do whats best for their children”. She is right in saying that all parents want to do what’s best for their kids, but her writing, and her seemingly strong believe in her own “correctness”, unfortunately adds to that misunderstanding, rather than dispelling it.   My second comment: Now that our son Kevin is in college, I feel we have gone through all the due processes and stages described in Chua’s article. But I think there is more than one road to success, at least other roads than what Chua preached.   In our family, my wife probably stands firmer than me with the rules for our son. But I can say proudly that we didn’t do any of the things described as “must do’s”, such as no sleepover, no play, no TV, no video games, no this or no that. We loved to have Kevin go to sleepovers with his friends when he was little. We encouraged him to participate in sports and/or other school activities. He played quite a bit of video games and watched TV probably as much as his peers. Actually, he probably won quite a bit of friends because he was able to guide classmates in solving some of the games. :=) How can a boy’s childhood be complete if he is not allowed to play games?   Kevin did play piano, and then violin during his teenage years. That caused quite some headaches for us, for he didn’t like to practice. But we never pushed him to practice more than what the private tutors asked for. Other than that, we were probably lucky, because he was quite self disciplined and always managed his school work well.   My third comment: “Don’t compare apples to oranges”. I saw in one of the reader feedbacks, where a reader named “Mike Reiche” wrote that the disparity between Chinese and Western is that out of 1.3 billion Chinese, the top 1% have moved to the US. Out of 300 million US children, 100% are in the US. So when you randomly pick a Chinese family, you are picking from the top 1% and comparing with the general population of western families.   While I don’t totally agree about the “top 1%”, the fact is that most of the Chinese families people come across here in the US probably are typical of such make-ups: mom or dad with PhD degrees from some science or tech fields, or with at least college level education backgrounds. They most likely work in high tech companies, or are doctors, accountants, or businessmen. They are somewhat “cream of the crop” from the rigid education and selection process in China, thus, they tend to place more emphasis on education and would push their kids harder. Chua herself may be the result of such a product, judging from her WSJ article family picture, where she was a new-born with bespectacled parents, who as new immigrants know the difficulty realities of surviving in a new promised land.   Also, though Chua didn’t mentioned in the WSJ excerpt the background of her husband, from my reading she is married to a Jewish person. She mentioned her husband’s Jewish traditions, and had threatened her daughter with “no Hanukkah presents.” I remember people saying Jewish families place education as highly, if not higher, than Chinese families. So when her two poor little girls have parents from the Chinese and Jewish backgrounds, what else can they expect?   As you can tell, I am somewhat critical of Chua’s approach, and am a strong believer that there are merits in both “Chinese” and “Western” approaches, rather than preferring one vs. the other. I believe students need to work hard and take studies seriously, but yes, life is also so much more than just school. And there are so many things to enjoy along the way, that we should not limit ourselves to textbooks, classrooms, recital halls, so let’s dont forget to go to the sports fields, nature and wilderness, volunteer activities, and live a fuller life.   This response has gone a bit too long, because education is one of my favorite topics. You mentioned that Emily and you have had many discussions on this topic. Please feel free to share my response with her, so she sees at least one Chinese parent’s candid view.  

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